Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Best Planet So Far.


What's happening to our planet?

Whatever it is, I'm not worried, any more than I worry about a tough winter in New Hampshire, though I shiver while warming up my car in January.

Al Gore, of course, claims to be very upset. He says the ice caps are going to melt and extinguish whole species, but this doesn't worry me either. After all, when's the last time you needed a penguin or a polar bear, much less a mastodon, a dinosaur or a dodo bird? He made a movie entitled An Inconvenient Truth full of graphic depictions of sea levels rising dramatically and swallowing great big chunks of the East Coast where I live. I doubt that Al is especially committed to "Truth," but I'm sure his scenario would be "Inconvenient." Still, I'm not worried. Long before the water level reached my neckline, I'd shag ass to Kansas where I hear there are lots of good people, just like here--even if I had to leave some material goods behind. Even in Al's predictions, it would take many years for sea levels to rise, so you have plenty of time for a retreat to Kansas.

Al blames his gloom and doom predictions on man-made carbon emissions, which is like cave-dwelling shamans blaming your bad luck on insufficient worship of the gods, or Texan cowpokes in 1880 blaming the weather on bovine flatulence--actually primitive ideas.

Skepticism of "global warming" comes naturally to a resident of New Hampshire, especially every year in January. But, of course, the Gore crowd changed "global warming" to "climate change" to make their theories more believable, proclaiming them "settled science," but we have an old saying in these parts: "If you don't like the weather in New England, wait five minutes. It'll change."

Still, Al likes to call us "deniers" and I don't mind. At one time "flat Earth" was "settled science," widely supported by all the ignorant and promoted by most powerful religious rulers of the Western World. Galileo went to jail for denying it--so I could be in good company.

SETTLED SCIENCE c.1600:


In the meantime, look at the bright side of global warming. The fish would love it. We could set up Times Square at the South Pole (North Pole is in the ocean), mount spectacular shows on the Southway in South York. We could vacation in semi-tropical islands in the Canadian Arctic, where only brave and half-mad explorers have been. Ever see a map of Northern Canada? There are a gazillion islands. Janitors will be able to afford beachfront property. Greenland would be our massive Florida with room for millions of condos. Alaska would be teeming with senior citizens, and Siberia would be a lush forest full of monkeys and fruit.

Life--including plants, animals and humans--love the heat. Today, if you try digging down through the ice, you won't find much evidence of life--maybe a mastodon here or there. Monkeys were too smart to go there.

Maybe we could sign up for seagoing excursions from South Boston (located somewhere on the coast of Antarctica), on a cruise ship equipped with submarines for taking tours of ancient East Coast America. Say we left the inhabitants of Washington DC (our rulers) encased in a bubble down there behind a big window with Al Gore. We could knock on the window and give them the finger.

Okay, now I'm dreaming.


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