LGBTMFX Bathrooms.

What the hell are we talking about?  Bathroom preferences for sexual non-conformists in some bar in North Carolina?

By now, most of us know what LGBT stands for--the awkward acronym slides off the tongue of every TV host as easily as a greased pig slips through your arms at the county fair. (For those of you who don't know what the letters T-V stand for, LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender).

LGBT is called a "community," although I fail to see how millions of unique people living thousands of miles apart qualify as a community. I guess they mean internet community. It's not like there is an L, a G, a B and a T on the street where you live--probably a lot of Ms and Fs, with an occasional surreptitious visitation from an X.

I added the M and the F to the familiar acronym to cover Male and Female, which would represent my "community," I guess, but I'm really not intimate with a lot of them, and I certainly wouldn't want to share a bed with most of them. The X stands for unknown, but it may involve sheep on a hillside or horses in a barn, so I won't talk about that.

If you have doubts about your gender, or which "community" you belong to, search between your legs for a clue. I'd call that a good start, although you may not want to settle for the evidence--suit yourself.

How ridiculous do we get?

This debate is only appropriate for two obnoxious patrons at a local bar. but we're hearing it on national news programs and among legislative jackasses in government. Nobody cares when a homosexual comes into a public bathroom, and if you're a really good transgender, nobody would know it anyway. As for the children, what are they doing in a lousy public restroom without supervision in the first place?

For perfect privacy, go home. Otherwise, restaurants will have to set up a line of private bathrooms like a row of porta-potties along the dining room, and we'll all pay for it in the check--until we decide that eating out is too expensive and all the restaurants go out of business.

I've heard somewhere that "this is a solution in search of a problem," and the saying has the ring of truth. I'm sure the disputes are extremely rare and can be resolved one at a time in any local setting. If you have special needs, you can always patronize The Pink Petunia Gourmet Lounge or Bullmoose Bill's Bar and Grill. The real problem is that somehow, somewhere along the way, we gave the government--state and federal--the power to decide such matters for everyone. "Problems" are, of course, the lifeblood of lucrative government office, where politicians can promise to solve anything.

Why don't we follow the axiom, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do."

Otherwise, if you want to go on a Crusade, get on your horse and get out of town. Jerusalem beckons.